On Greek Life

I really like trap, but realized I haven't put any on here, so here's one of my favorite songs that's on the shorter side.

FinD Me, by marshmello
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I've been so busy I completely forgot to record my brief experience with joining Greek life on campus two months ago.

Before applying to any colleges, I had fully intended to go out and join a sorority. Like, I'd ask colleges while touring about their Greek life activity on campus. But then I came to my university, where people in that scene are more like the kinds in the movies  - lots of pretty floral dresses and killer heels and curly blonde hair - and less like the kinds you'd expect. So I forwent an application and, except for one party at the beginning of the year (dragged along by a girl on my floor, and I ended up leaving maybe 30 minutes in), I expected it to be the last of sororities that I'd see.

A different topic - in Biology and Chemistry last semester, I became friends with a girl who coincidentally also happened to be in both of my lectures. She had some other friends in Chemistry, and we all sat together. This semester, one of those friend-of-a-friend girls (whose name is strikingly similar to mine, I thought she was typing my name when she was typing in her contact info) had tried to rush for a sorority, Sigma Psi Zeta, last semester, but there was some mishap with her mailed grades and she couldn't go through. She was trying again this semester, and invited me to go along with her.

We met up maybe an hour before it was time, during which she told me it was an Asian interest sorority - separate from the Panhellenic campus groups - and I understood why she invited me. The girls were really nice, and I met another girl with blue hair there too. But, to be honest, it was too overwhelming for me. I pride myself on being really nice to strangers, but it was hard when I had about 20 different names thrown at me at once and I couldn't even remember who was who.

The next night was themed Canvas and Mock-tail night. We were given canvases to paint on, and told that they would later be donated to either a struggling school or an orphanage (I can't remember which. Somewhere kids were struggling and needed motivation). So, me being me, I started running through all the meaningful Harry Potter quotes in my head. I settled on, "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

But I only had a tiny little 4x4 inch canvas, so the quote turned out more like:

I hope whichever kids got it, liked it.

I wasn't really intending to join, I just went along for something to do both nights. This was during a time when I was trying to plan my summer, and as I was really busy I declined to add one more thing to my plate and pen a bunch of sorority events into my already busy calendar. I was busy internship/job hunting, I was getting tickets for my return flight for spring break (which I am on now), I was looking up colleges for studying abroad, I was finishing essays and projects and oral presentations, I was apartment hunting.

On top of all that, I was also planning a month-long trip around Europe with an old high school friend for summer, and I was corresponding with her everyday on whether it was feasible or not, so I was just generally not in a mood to waste my little free time in uncomfortable situations. I ended up skipping the last rush day, and I don't really regret it. I don't think it was big enough yet to create connections that Greek life is famous for, unlike Alpha Phi (the huge sorority my grandmother was a part of, and wanted me to join. She even offered to write a letter of rec. for me.*)

I'm still really good friends with the girl who invited me, and I met a new girl too who's also in the same sorority and the same biology class. I'd like to believe I made the right choice, but since I still have very few friends, I sometimes wonder if I should legitimately try next semester. It's a good gate to many new friends at once, plus their sibling fraternity (I forgot the actual term, I don't think it's sibling) - double the friends all at once.

But I've been thinking, and I'd rather meet people through classes. Chances are interests will be more similar that way, and it's usually only one person at a time. I don't have enough confidence to talk to multiple people at once anyways.

That concludes my brief experience with Greek life.

*I just realized, it was the Romans who placed emphasis on connections and family history and letters of recommendation. Interesting that "Greek" life has adopted that practice. Yes, I know all that from the Percy Jackson books. Sue me for such "credible" sources.

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I FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME, I DID SOMETHING AND IT WAS RELEVANT FOR LATER I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF GOOD JOB ME.

In high school, I had this brief thing of researching a new organism every week and writing down a brief summation of what I had learned. Some of the organisms were the sensitive plant, the maned wolf, and the living rock. One week, I went through my list of favorite plants and decided to research welwitschia, or Welwitschia mirabilis. Link takes you to my post with detailed research.

To recapitulate, it's a succulent plant, consisting solely of two leaves, that is considered a living fossil (like the horseshoe crab) because it's barely evolved since it first appeared in the fossil history.

In one of my more recent biology lectures, we just started studying plants - mosses, ferns, vasculars, and up. In the introduction slide, I recognized a picture of welwitschia showing up (along with a horsetail, which I also recognized at it's pretty common near freshwater sources in California)(I just realized I should clarify, horsetail is a type of reedy plant - not an actual horse's tail).

This excited me because this was the exact reason I started studying random organisms - to further my knowledge and know things before they are formally taught. I wasted no time in telling my friend (the sorority one) what that plant was, and since this isn't the first time I've told her random trivia about biology, she said, "I wish I had your brain."

If only she knew, she wouldn't say that.

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Shameless self-promotion about to happen.

This was also done as another birthday gift. Much longer than usual, but I couldn't bring myself to cut out any of the lyrics. 

Songs used: 

Things We Lost In the Fire, by Bastille

Low, by Coldplay

I'm thinking, as long as I keep this hobby up, there's gonna be one of my videos at the end of every post now.  I'm probably going to start posting non-photoshop mashups at the beginning now too. Too much confidence.

Ring In 2k15

I'd think that this year was rather hard for me, both emotionally and physically, but I'd also like to think that I did an okay job of pushing through. So my anthem for this past year of 2014 is -

The Fighter (feat. Ryan Tedder), by Gym Class Heroes:


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As stated in the post before this one, I dislike family reunions. For all that blood counts for, most of these people are strangers, as blunt as that sounds. I don't see them except three times a year, and some of them not even that much. I don't know how to talk to them, and they always make small talk - how's college, what's your major, I want to hear everything. I hate small talk because there's no interest, I have to keep answering the same question over and over again, and it gets stressful knowing how much to say and how long I should talk before I exceed the proper answer quota and start rambling.

So I'm not surprised I've enjoyed the car rides the most out of everything yet this whole vacation. I got a lot of new music, and didn't even go through it all on the six hour ride down to Southern California. We got there late, and my mother (a very sociable person) wanted to drop in on my grandparents before going to our B&B, but my dad and I knew that my grandma is just as, if not even more, sociable. In the end, we went to stay hi, and they kept us there from 8 PM to 11 PM, just talking. It was awful having to listen to them gab while I sat there bored.

I've figured out that there is hardly ever such thing as a rude extrovert. It's always (in my personal experience) the introvert who is rude for wanting to leave early, for wanting to spend quiet time alone, for being uncomfortable with obligatory conversations. I highly prize my quiet hours by myself, but I've been told that I'm "being rude" or "hurting other people's feelings" by being so reserved. But if people want to continue talking to me for hours after my tolerance level, they are perfectly within their rights and I just have to figure out how to endure.

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I do not have a memory for detail over long stretches of time. To be honest, I don't really remember much of this year. I mean, yeah, I graduated, I went to college, but it didn't feel like anything special. I had some great nights though, I'll try to list them:

• Prom after-party
• Graduation party
• Driving out to get tickets for the Blacklight Run
• Blacklight Run
• Sociology lecture about Race/Ethnicity, Culture, or Social Construction (I can't choose which)
• PTV/SWS World Tour concert

It's sad I can't remember anything more. To be honest, only the first, fourth, and last bullet points are the ones I really liked. Everything else was added to make the list look less pathetically short. I've heard a lot about other people not liking 2014 more than I did, like they thought it was going to be great and they turned out to be really wrong. To me, I'm neutral: there were many extremely good moments and many extremely bad moments. I can remember more of the latter, but I know there were fun parts this year too.

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I don't like the whole resolutions thing. It's nice that people try to set new goals for themselves, to better themselves, but it adds all this pressure to come up with something that's not a cliché. I'm not going to vow to go to the gym every week, nor clean up my room every day. I'm not going to lay off the sweets, or do something a day that scares me, because I've already accepted that bad days and thoughts and temptations are going to be very often for a horribly self-conscious and pessimistic person like me, and I'm not going to sugarcoat that inevitable reality like I've done before.

I just want to take life as it is. Better it where I can, but not get tied up in the things I absolutely have no power to change. So instead of a New Year's resolution, I'll start a new tradition. I have a empty Pirouette can in my dorm room and I'm going to fill it up with little slips of paper. On these pieces of paper are going to be written things that happen to me during days of 2015 - good, bad, funny, everything I will think was significant about that day. I'll write dates too.

I originally wanted it to only be about the good things, but I figured I may as well write the bad too, so I'll have proof of all these obstacles that I will have overcome. Think of it as a tough love pep talk. I also wanted to write a slip every day, but A) That'll fill up the can way too quick, and B) This blog has already taught me that I don't do well when I'm forced to do things on a schedule - that's why I abandoned my every-Friday schedule for posting and decided to just write whenever I feel like it.

So at the end of 2015, I'll have a whole can of tiny memories I forgot. I'll be able to remember all the things I usually forget, all the stuff that's lost in the white noise. Hopefully I'll want to keep some of those slips.

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My playlist of favorite songs released/I discovered in 2014, plus many that I've liked for a long time, but am no longer embarrassed of admitting anymore.

Not listed in order of importance, but those with arrows are especially dear to me, in that I was either obsessed with them for a long, long time, or they were the doorway to a new favorite genre:

2014 Musical Favorites:

1. You're So Creepy, by Ghost Town (Explicit)
2. The Sound of Madness, by Shinedown
3. Cool Kids, by Echosmith <-- <-- <--
4. Secret Valentine, by We The Kings <--
5. Cookie Jar, by Gym Class Heroes
6. Dead Hearts, by Stars <-- <-- <--
7. Do It Now Remember It Later, by Sleeping With Sirens
8. Touchin On My, by 3OH!3
9. Happy Little Pill, by Troye Sivan
10. I Found Away, by Alkaline Trio
11. The Kids Aren't Alright, by The Offspring
12. Miserable At Best, by Mayday Parade <--
13. My Chick Bad, by Ludacris 
14. Take Me To Church, by Hozier
15. Ten Thousand Feet, by I See Stars (Explicit) <--
16. Sad Song, by We The Kings <--
17. Top Of The World, by Greek Fire <--
18. King For A Day, by Pierce the Veil (Explicit) <-- <-- <--
19. Bleed It Out, by Linkin Park 
20. Rolling Stones T-Shirt, by Dada Life <--

Most importantly, though:

   21. I'm Low On Gas and You Need A Jacket, by Pierce the Veil <-- <-- <-- <-- <--

This song will never be the same for me again. Every time I hear it in the future, it's gonna take me back. See "This Is Gonna Be The Best Day Of My Life" for an extremely detailed explanation.

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Never forget the best headliner of 2014:

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Me for the next 3 months:

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Here's to 2k15. Don't let me down, man.

Ruby Slippers

So the big day was today. I moved into my college dorm.

The home/state-sickness is a deadweight in my chest. I can feel it, right behind the top of my sternum.

--

I Left My Heart in San Francisco, by Toby Bennett

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Did I expect it? Yes. That's probably why I'm feeling it. I feel what I expect to feel, and it's ruining my first day of freedom from parents. I'm all by myself in my single dorm. I'm surprised, and so incredibly lucky, that I happened to come out at the same time as some other girls for dinner, so I didn't have to sit like a loser by myself at an empty table. I wasn't so lucky for the kick-off - as much as I like my RA, he's not very good at coordinating my floor into leaving at the same time. Everyone left before me, and I had to go to the field alone and sit in the middle of a crowd of strangers. Then it started raining halfway through - unpredictable weather already? - and I left with the crowd around me to avoid sitting in the bleachers, getting rained on, and surrounded by no one. I'm probably going to skip breakfast tomorrow too, because I have no one to go with. (*EDIT: I did skip.)

My new college seems to be exactly like my old high school, except I can't find anyone I consider to be "my people." All the guys look like popular jocks - I'm not even exaggerating when I say ALL - and all the girls look like the prep clique, just intensified. Approachable people (that is to say, people who aren't wearing expensive brands and lots of makeup; that's my definition) are nowhere to be found. I'm not even sure I can be classified as a minority in this student population, personality-wise. "I'm" virtually nonexistent. There are so few of "me" that I don't think there are more than 5% of "me" in the freshman class.

** I understand I'm supposed to go out and find them, and "of course there's more than 5%," but I sure can't find the introverts if we're all too shy to brave the ocean of confident cocky jocks and cheerleaders out there.

The awful thing is is that I've been feeling this way about my college for a long time. I felt like I had to settle for it, and I never really fell in love with it. My dad has been telling all his work friends about my choice of education, and they all say something along the lines of, "Oh, that college is a really good choice," or, "The campus there is beautiful, you're going to have so much fun." They all ask me what I'm looking forward to the most, and I have to BS some answer because I wasn't looking forward to anything other than freedom, and I can't say that in front of my parents. The atmosphere is exactly the opposite of the intellectual setting I wanted, but I can't do anything but suffer through it until I can get back to California.

All I want for Christmas...

I'm going to cut this post off early before it gets any more depressing. I should stop thinking about what I could've done, and focus more on how I can better my future. And I'd love to do that, I really would, but it's a bit late to change who I fundamentally am, and who I fundamentally am is not any good at approaching intimidating, out-of-one's-league people.

In other words, I'm screwed. Here's to a fantastic first year.

Big Girls Don't Cry, by Fergie

"I Wish That I Could Be Like The"

At the beginning of this summer, I discovered what a color run is. I pretty much hate extended running, but getting sprayed with dye so you come out as a vivid mess at the end? Sounds awesome. Trouble is, I don't have a lot of friends who like to exercise (like me) or who would be willing to pay the registration fee, but I did know one. I hit her up, and she said it looked awesome, so we decided to do it and I got my ticket. The run is this weekend.

Yesterday she let me know, after I contacted her first about battle plans, that she couldn't make it after all. I sympathized, even though I was kinda mad she didn't let me know herself, because I assumed she had a good reason (which she did). Then I mentioned what a waste it was of her money, and she told me she never even got a ticket in the first place.

Like, are you serious? When were you planning on telling me?

So I was talking to another friend, and realized she might be interested in it. I let her know, and she sounded really excited, but told me that she would have to get back to me the next day. Thing is, this friend is kind of known to me for bailing last minute, and for not keeping promises about responding soon, so I wasn't surprised when (after I contacted her first - again) she told me six hours later she forgot about another event scheduled for the same time and couldn't make it.

So yes, I'm pretty pissed at the both of them, but it's not really in my nature to stay mad or hold grudges, and I don't want them to feel bad about making me mad (refer to previous post - it takes a lot to make angry), so I'm just letting it go after I rant about it here.

But my key point here isn't really to list how other people tick me off. I was thinking about it, and I realized that freshman me wouldn't have even thought about inviting other people to functions, for fear of rejection. Isolation is one of my biggest fears, and the thought of them having to outright say they didn't want to hang out terrified fourteen year old me. And now, here I am, more pissed than broken by the fact that weekend is open again.

Amazing. Here I was thinking that my personality didn't change too much during my time at high school. After all, I'm still shy in large groups - but only of strangers. I adore hang outs with twenty plus something people, as long as they are all my friends/close acquaintances. I don't make new friends easily - except when it's one-on-one talking. I met a cool guy from a different school near the end of my senior year - an absolute, intimidating stranger - and now I talk to him more than I talk to most friends who went to my actual school. 

Have I actually changed that much? What, or who, prompted this change? I'm trying to remember when exactly I started acting like this, and can't pinpoint it to any certain time. I'm grateful though - I'd much rather forgive and forget than obsess over how no one likes me and be depressed for days. Is this just me maturing - becoming a little more callous and insensitive to how others view me? I've seen so many memes on the internet about then and nows: the then teenager worrying about what everyone thinks, the now adult kicking back with a martini and not giving a damn about what others think. I'd always laugh inside, and tell myself I'll always be self-conscious, but now...

Case in point.

I guess what throws me the most is that there must be a scientific, chemical reason behind it, and it's not so much that I changed myself for the better, but that my brain stopped releasing some hormone or decreased/increased output levels or whatever. I mean, if it happens to pretty much everyone (and it seems that it does), then I didn't make myself grow up. I literally just acquired enough years and my mind entered a new stage. That's it. So much for self-discovery.

Anyways, since I've gotten into a whole new genre of music, I'm going to post a new list of my top ten songs like I did a while back.

Not in order of importance.

Favorite Songs: 
1. King for a Day
2. Secret Valentine
3. Ten Thousand Feet
4. You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
5. Don't Look Now, I'm Being Followed
6. Radio Arcade
7. Injection
8. If You Can't Hang
9. This Is War
10. I Found Away (feat. Douglas P)

**This is not to say that I don't like alternative anymore, to make that clear. I just didn't post any alternative songs because I haven't been exploring that genre too much as of late, other than to listen to Owl City's new EP or shuffle through old songs.

This one song though, this one song I identify with so much that it's going to forever be one of my favorites, no matter how the list fluctuates in the coming years. I'll hopefully be ninety someday, and showing it to my grandchildren (if I ever have any, it's kind of doubtful ATM), and telling them that, for the majority of my high school career, this was exactly what I felt. Word for word. That's why it's not above.

Cool Kids, by Echosmith

Music is my therapy.

Eyes on the Prize

Despite my average records, I'm generally used to success. I don't have to try very hard to pass classes, nor do I get rejected when I least expect it. A good example would be my piano career: I would practice very hard the days leading up to the examination, and study theory like heck, but still not know it very well. However, I would always have a gut feeling that I may not do excellently, but I would play very well on the practical exam and score high enough on the written exam. Every year I would advance to the next level with pretty much the minimal amount of practice. I get the same feeling for other things before they happen too: when teachers will call on me, what grade I got on a test just taken, etc. Usually, surprisingly, I'm right.

Yesterday I was not.

My school has a program called CSF. It's an honors program that admits students who get enough points to join, and these points are based grades. An "A" is 3 points, a "B" is 1, and a "C" is zero. AP and honors classes allow you to get more points: an "A" is 4 points, and so forth. At the end of senior year, if you have been a part of CSF for four semesters, you graduate with a gold cord. Every single semester of my high school career I have been a part of CSF, which means six semesters. I get to graduate with the pretty gold cord now, right?

Here's the catch: One of those semesters has to be from your senior year. And last semester, my grades were... not impressive. I lacked two points to reach the minimum of ten points required.

Now, I don't really care about joining CSF. I'm not interested, myself, in being an honors student, probably because I always had been, starting from sixth grade. I just care about what other people think of me. My mindset: if I don't graduate with a gold cord, I will be embarrassed to show my face in front of my friends, all draped with gold string and tassels. I think they will be surprised and, for lack of a more appropriate word, condescending. The gold cord is a symbol of high school success. The following is definitely not true, but I'm upset, so bear with me: If I don't get that cord, everyone will think I'm stupid.

*I'm NOT saying other people with no cord are stupid. I just feel it was expected of ME to reach that goal, and a failure of realizing it concludes MY lack of intelligence. I know plenty of people who are smarter and work harder than me who aren't getting the cord, simply because they didn't want to apply during their four years of high school.

Whine, whine, whine. It's just a piece of colored string, for heaven's sake. Why do I care so much? Because I have not yet grown out of the teenage insecurity of appearances to other people. I care VERY deeply about how others see me. Think it's pointless and shallow? I do too. But telling me that thinking this way is silly, and I that shouldn't care what others think, won't make it go away, just like telling an anorexic girl that she's beautiful the way she was won't solve her problems in that second. It's just unrealistic. I can tell myself all I want that I shouldn't care, but that won't do anything until something or someone else big enough comes along and fixes me. My brain, while appreciating the thought, rejects your consoling words and good intentions as meaningless. I can't stop it.

So, faced with the horror of no gold cord while graduating, I tried something I never would have years ago. I actually went to my counselor to talk about it. Well, what's so bad about that? The problem is, I also have a fear of strangers (while I try to impress them at the same time. I don't know...). I can put on a charming show when meeting them face to face, exemplified by the comments my dad receives after I'm introduced to his work friends, but I would much prefer no contact at all. But clearly I would rather talk to a near stranger (the horror!) than graduate without a gold cord (the horror!).

I'm so glad I went.

Now that I've given away the happy ending, the rest can be abridged. I talked to my counselor, she said lets go talk to a career counselor, we talked, and I discovered another way I can join CSF (albeit a bit late). I can still qualify for a gold cord. I can reclaim my pride, save face, and look impressive to people I don't even know. As I said, I don't care if that's petty and shallow. At least I admit it myself. We can't all be Mary Sue's.

So the moral of the story is?

Maaaaaaannn!

Just kidding. While I do dislike some stories with blatant morals, this experience definitely has one. "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Irritating to think, but perfectly correct. Or maybe, I just thought of a different one, which at least sounds nicer and a tad more sophisticated: "Keep your eyes on the prize."

No matter how cheesy it sounds, if you want something, go for it. Try everything you can to reach your goal. If it matters, make it happen! The ancient goddess Hecate, though best known for being a goddess of magic, is also the goddess of choice. There are always at least four choices when you reach a crossroads - three for moving ahead, and one for going back (I can shamelessly thank Rick Riordan for that knowledge). I guess my three choices were do nothing, seek help, or buy a fake cord and pretend I earned it. The choice for going back... repeating senior year? I wouldn't be that extreme,  not just for a golden cord.

Perseverance. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.

That's enough images for one post.

Running Amok

As senior year goes on, I find myself caring, in various and wildly fluctuating degrees, less about what happens. Or more. As I said, it fluctuates. I'm drawing in more from strangers, and expanding my boundaries for close friends. One of my past posts, 10 Myths About Introverts, talked about common misconceptions of the socially awkward. But I want to draw slight attention to Myth #4: They can count the number of close friends on one hand. It's my senior year, I've given up on making anymore true friends, so I've just focused on strengthening the friendships I do have, because I fully intend on making the best ones last my entire life.

“It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.” Stephen Fry

Mad intensities? Do breakdowns count? And I don't think I'm at the point where those devils became my angels. Yep, they're pretty much still my devils. But I agree, "they are not all bad." I do not dislike the solitude I am often confronted with, but neither do I believe that I can go extended periods without contact. A book sort of meets in the middle - I am completely alone, physically, but am surrounded by fictional friends. A perfect compromise. So I guess I am, to some degree, thankful for my "devils" - they gave me the books I treasure so much.

 “Solitude is a chosen separation for refining your soul. Isolation is what you crave when you neglect the first.” Wayne Cordeiro

Isolation is... what you desire when you.... ah, ok, that one took me a bit to understand. Ok, sure, everyone needs their alone time to sit and be. I guess the reason that took me so long is that I dislike just sitting blankly without something to occupy myself with. Even when hiking, I am content to sit because I can listen. Here's a tip, if you're interested: if you close your eyes long enough in an environment with just enough noise, the world gets a lot closer, somehow, with none of the claustrophobia. I think it has a much nicer effect in a natural environment, but if you like concrete jungles better, hey, that's your thing.

“As the new work fills my notebooks, I've come to realize that the characters in my stories were so real because I really did want to get close to people, I really did want to know them. It was just easier to do it on paper, one step removed.” Charles de Lint

TRUTH.

I've done a lot of self-examination throughout my angsty teenage years, and I have concluded that, though I call myself introvert, I actually can't stand being alone. Isolation scares me, especially in a setting where it seems no one else is as alone as you are. I guess dealing with it has taken the form in stories. My protagonists are always perfect: strong, badass, the witty comment always on the tip of the tongue. Essentially, what I flatter myself to be a perfect me. The more I created ( I can't say wrote, I've rarely finished any of the stories), I realized that these were all Mary Sue's and that that was kinda bad. I try to create characters now with flawed choices and imperfect personalities. I guess I do create my own friends sometimes.

“You are the salt of the earth. But remember that salt is useful when in association, but useless in isolation.” Israelmore Ayivor

In all seriousness, I'm not quite sure what this exactly means. I think it might be dissing introverts, though. Sounds cool. Have it.

So this was basically an excuse to save interesting quotes I've compiled over the span of a couple days. I'm tired.

Here is evidence of my imagination run amok.

A good song recommended by a good friend: Kryptonite, by Three Doors Down. The actual music video's a bit weird, in my opinion; if you truly want to see it, it's somewhere on YouTube.

Reflections

Everything is catching up.

My schoolwork, my artwork, all the clubs, my friendships, my self-consciousness...

Not to mention college...

I tried playing the piano yesterday for the first time in a couple months. To my immense surprise - for I was surprised - I couldn't play any of my old pieces straight off the bat. I'm not used to forgetting piano like this, as I have been playing for nearly 12 years now. I've taken 2 and even 3 week breaks, and gone back playing everything perfectly. What's happening? At least I still remember how to play "Here I Am," from the movie Spirit.

Oh yes. Still a child at heart.

I've been convinced that I am no longer as much as a shy secluded introvert as I used to be at the start of high school. I've surrounded myself with company that I enjoy, and am reasonably confident that they enjoy my company too (which is a big thing for me; I'm not confident in anything other than my knowledge of Harry Potter trivia). But yesterday evening, when I went out with some other friends, I felt like a third wheel for the first time in a long time. I don't know if I'm just being overreactive, as the last time I thought one of my close friends was annoyed with me, it was just a misunderstanding (so I hope). But it seemed that when they walked - on paths big enough for at most six people side by side - I was constantly walking behind them, horribly aware of what people might be thinking. "Aw, that poor girl, I feel so bad for her, booted behind her friends like that. How awkward."

On reflection, I can't really believe that they would do that on purpose - if I was shunted to the side, I believe they are all nice enough people to not have done it consciously. After all, two of them were my best friends in elementary school, and the other is my only familiar face in a class, and I hers.

On a less depressing note, I found out that a sophomore who was a drama buddy for the play I was briefly involved in last year, and is in my art class, refers to me as her sister. Warm fuzzies. Some underclassmen are so endearingly adorable (no condescension - I mean it in the best possible way). I wonder if I ever appeared that way to some juniors and seniors when I was an underclassman? Doubtful.

Rufous Hummingbird (Selasphorus rufus) 

They are said to live in the area I do, but I don't know - the hummingbirds I see are dark green with iridescent red throats - the ruby-throated hummingbird. I've never seen hummingbirds IRL that are this rusty color. Oh well. I trust you, Internet, to know where these birds live... at least, the majority. 

These guys are pretty ferocious - even for a hummingbird (background - pretty much all hummingbirds are super aggressive - my grandma once found a dead cat with a hummingbird bill lodged in it's skull. Yes, gross and morbid. You're welcome for that image). They are pretty small with a short, nearly straight bill and small wings that don't reach their tails when folded. "In good light, male Rufous Hummingbirds glow like coals: bright orange on the back and belly, with a vivid iridescent-red throat" (allaboutbirds.org). I love that description. Females are more green in places, though they still have patches of orange.

As I said, these birds are "pugnacious." They chase away other birds, sometimes birds that are more than twice their size, even when passing through territory when migrating. Basically, they defend turf that isn't even theirs. Their habitat ranges along the west coast through the Rocky Mountains of the U.S., and extends down into Mexico and up into the west coast of Canada into the bottom-most part of Alaska. Along with sipping nectar, they also catch small insects.

Cool Facts: 

• They've been seen chasing chipmunks away from their nests. 
•  The wingbeat frequency of Rufous Hummingbirds has been recorded at 52–62 wingbeats per second. 
• The Rufous Hummingbird makes one of the longest migratory journeys of any bird in the world, as measured by body size.   
• The female builds the nest alone using soft plant down held together with spider web.

Because it's so late and I'm in the mood for sleep, here's a song I listed in my last post: 

Rain by Priscilla Ahn. 

Enjoy.

10 Myths about Introverts

If I were to say that I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't an introvert, I'd be lying. But I've been one for so long that it's just sort of become me. Like I would go to some place, and they'd say, "Hi! Tell us your name and one interesting thing about you!"

Hello, my name is JLD and I'm an introvert.

What would I even be doing there? Ewwww, society.

But anyways, I came across a really interesting article a couple years back, and everything it said was like a revelation. Know those times when you feel what you mean, but you can't put it into words? Every single bullet. This article is practically my Bible (no, not really, Harry Potter is my one true love) and every line is the absolute truth. If you're an extrovert, fix your stereotypes now if you haven't already; if you're an introvert, revel with me in this sweet nectar (and blue chocolate chip ambrosia) from heaven.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

~Carl

I think the ones I relate to most are #s 1, 4, 5, 7, and 9. You put me with a new stranger and yeah, maybe I'll say something intelligent, but if more people arrive and I'm now in a room full of strangers who all know each other and not me, BOOM, insta-chameleon (sadly, I know I do this from experience). Maybe I'll just stand in the corner and pretend to text. #4 is probably the most me; I've never had above two best friends at the same time in my life (and the two best friends time only happened in kindergarten), but all of them were insanely close - I'd have trusted any of them with anything. I'd estimate I have maybe four to five close acquaintances, and the rest are just people I know but would feel awkward with alone. While this means I get interesting conversations every day, it's a bit hard thinking of people to invite to birthday parties.

Yes, I know that's pathetically lame. 

#5 gets me. I'm totally down for going to the mall/see a movie/shop/hike/whatever, but only for a couple hours. How do people do that all day and night? Maybe I'm just extra lazy. Unless there's food involved, three hours max before I start coming up with excuses to leave.

About #7 - I don't really think that's a myth, because weird = individualist, and I fully accept that I'm weird and do lots of irrational things, a lot that I probably regret later on. But I guess that myth means weird as in don't talk to that kid, they'll go all ape-shit crazy on you and your social reputation will fall around your ears because no one ever talks to them, etc. etc. Lastly, #9. Maybe it's just me, but how do people relax by going on adrenaline junk trips? Doesn't that defeat the purpose and make you more wound up and tense? Relaxation is, by my definition, a hot beverage, fluffy blankets and pillows, and a book. Maybe a sketchpad if I'm feeling extra creative that day. I can never relax if I'm suffocating from laughing too hard, or bungee-jumping, or doing whatever those people do to "relax."

If you want to read the whole article, go here. It's probably a lot more thoughtful and interesting than this piece of my mind here, but I never claimed mine would be better. My mind, I mean. What?

I'm going to stop here while I'm ahead. 

So, for today, let me play you the song of my people:

Wallflower, by Priscilla Ahn