I Am I and My...

Colleges have been on the mind too much as of late. I'm distracted with too much work, too much school, too much life. I'm trying to make the best of my circumstances.

Recently, my mind has been wandering back to my college essays. I've been rereading them of late, and wishing I could've tweaked that, changed those words, moved that phrase from here to there. It's all too late, but at least I know I'm bettering what I've done. So what no one else will ever know?

So because I'm a lazy bum, I'm just going to copy-paste one of my extended essays I wrote for a college. If you applied there too, you'll know which. It is rather distinctive for it's essay topics. Due to this distinctiveness, I tried to choose the strangest and most unlikely topic I could - desktop wallpapers. Maybe I'm trying too hard, but at least I'll stand out now, right?

So, without further ado, I present:

I Am I and My Desktop Wallpaper

I wish it weren’t always so, but I have come to discover that we humans enjoy asserting our personality in as many ways as possible. We decorate ourselves and belongings with posters, pictures, badges, and fandom paraphernalia (maybe the teenagers more so than adults, especially for the latter). We flaunt our strengths and passions. However, we must do it in a way that appeals to others, so that our show-off routines are appreciated and leave a desirable impression. So, how can we easily show our personality while using the Joneses’ cool new electronics? Wallpapers.

A musician might have a banner of their favorite group, an artist could have an expressive painting by some obscure professional, and a cat lady may have a group picture with all her beloved pets. Humans instinctually label their things with personal touches that subtly drop hints about their best qualities. So if I see a good friend’s wallpaper for the first time, be it their locked iPhone screen or on their laptop, it usually doesn’t surprise me, because I would expect that friend to have a wallpaper that ties in with their personality and interests. Even when an unrepresentative wallpaper is chosen, perhaps because of a dare, it tells me that the person enjoys taking risks, or will willingly do something undesirable just to make others laugh. Someone’s wallpaper can reveal just as much about a person as their clothes or personal space do.

The quote “Yo soy yo y mi circunstancia” is rather expansive. An environment covers quite a lot of space, and not a lot is left that doesn’t affect a person. However, despite the broadness, people like to judge others based on how they react to a pressing circumstance, where they are panicking so much they don’t bother to create a façade that presents only the best side. Therefore, I tried to look the other way. How do people act when they are buried in their comfort zone? What do they reveal about themselves willingly, and not involuntarily, that still shows their true personality? Wallpapers are a lot more than a picture that takes up space. Even a blank or default desktop can reveal a person’s character.

I can hardly continue now without describing my own wallpaper. It’s a picture of the black cat analogy. The picture is, of course, in black and white. My close friends understand that it doesn’t matter to me that the logic of the analogy doesn’t perfectly work. For me, it’s funny and it has a cat on it, so I suppose I’m a person who enjoys semi-intellectual-ish humor. It’s black and white, so I can still see my desktop icons without psychedelic colors camouflaging them. Lastly, whenever I lock my account on the family computer when guests come over, I like to think that if they read it their impression of me is that I’m a witty and clever girl who enjoys learning academic things outside of school. Even I, a wallflower, cannot help but try to impress those that I will likely never see again.

Wallpapers are my near equivalent to book covers: They’re easily judged, and they divulge their owner’s personality. Of course, circumstances are everywhere and therefore probably a more reliable indicator, but desktop wallpapers reveal more intimate and less vague details about a person. We are ourselves and the sum of our lives, but how to let other people know? Hi. This is me, and since I know I won’t be asked outright who I am, here’s my wallpaper. Make of it what you will.

---

I have no excuses.

Eyes on the Prize

Despite my average records, I'm generally used to success. I don't have to try very hard to pass classes, nor do I get rejected when I least expect it. A good example would be my piano career: I would practice very hard the days leading up to the examination, and study theory like heck, but still not know it very well. However, I would always have a gut feeling that I may not do excellently, but I would play very well on the practical exam and score high enough on the written exam. Every year I would advance to the next level with pretty much the minimal amount of practice. I get the same feeling for other things before they happen too: when teachers will call on me, what grade I got on a test just taken, etc. Usually, surprisingly, I'm right.

Yesterday I was not.

My school has a program called CSF. It's an honors program that admits students who get enough points to join, and these points are based grades. An "A" is 3 points, a "B" is 1, and a "C" is zero. AP and honors classes allow you to get more points: an "A" is 4 points, and so forth. At the end of senior year, if you have been a part of CSF for four semesters, you graduate with a gold cord. Every single semester of my high school career I have been a part of CSF, which means six semesters. I get to graduate with the pretty gold cord now, right?

Here's the catch: One of those semesters has to be from your senior year. And last semester, my grades were... not impressive. I lacked two points to reach the minimum of ten points required.

Now, I don't really care about joining CSF. I'm not interested, myself, in being an honors student, probably because I always had been, starting from sixth grade. I just care about what other people think of me. My mindset: if I don't graduate with a gold cord, I will be embarrassed to show my face in front of my friends, all draped with gold string and tassels. I think they will be surprised and, for lack of a more appropriate word, condescending. The gold cord is a symbol of high school success. The following is definitely not true, but I'm upset, so bear with me: If I don't get that cord, everyone will think I'm stupid.

*I'm NOT saying other people with no cord are stupid. I just feel it was expected of ME to reach that goal, and a failure of realizing it concludes MY lack of intelligence. I know plenty of people who are smarter and work harder than me who aren't getting the cord, simply because they didn't want to apply during their four years of high school.

Whine, whine, whine. It's just a piece of colored string, for heaven's sake. Why do I care so much? Because I have not yet grown out of the teenage insecurity of appearances to other people. I care VERY deeply about how others see me. Think it's pointless and shallow? I do too. But telling me that thinking this way is silly, and I that shouldn't care what others think, won't make it go away, just like telling an anorexic girl that she's beautiful the way she was won't solve her problems in that second. It's just unrealistic. I can tell myself all I want that I shouldn't care, but that won't do anything until something or someone else big enough comes along and fixes me. My brain, while appreciating the thought, rejects your consoling words and good intentions as meaningless. I can't stop it.

So, faced with the horror of no gold cord while graduating, I tried something I never would have years ago. I actually went to my counselor to talk about it. Well, what's so bad about that? The problem is, I also have a fear of strangers (while I try to impress them at the same time. I don't know...). I can put on a charming show when meeting them face to face, exemplified by the comments my dad receives after I'm introduced to his work friends, but I would much prefer no contact at all. But clearly I would rather talk to a near stranger (the horror!) than graduate without a gold cord (the horror!).

I'm so glad I went.

Now that I've given away the happy ending, the rest can be abridged. I talked to my counselor, she said lets go talk to a career counselor, we talked, and I discovered another way I can join CSF (albeit a bit late). I can still qualify for a gold cord. I can reclaim my pride, save face, and look impressive to people I don't even know. As I said, I don't care if that's petty and shallow. At least I admit it myself. We can't all be Mary Sue's.

So the moral of the story is?

Maaaaaaannn!

Just kidding. While I do dislike some stories with blatant morals, this experience definitely has one. "If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Irritating to think, but perfectly correct. Or maybe, I just thought of a different one, which at least sounds nicer and a tad more sophisticated: "Keep your eyes on the prize."

No matter how cheesy it sounds, if you want something, go for it. Try everything you can to reach your goal. If it matters, make it happen! The ancient goddess Hecate, though best known for being a goddess of magic, is also the goddess of choice. There are always at least four choices when you reach a crossroads - three for moving ahead, and one for going back (I can shamelessly thank Rick Riordan for that knowledge). I guess my three choices were do nothing, seek help, or buy a fake cord and pretend I earned it. The choice for going back... repeating senior year? I wouldn't be that extreme,  not just for a golden cord.

Perseverance. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.

That's enough images for one post.

#deep

I might stop my every-Friday-write-a-post thing. I think of all these cool topics to write about during the week, then forget them when I sit down to write. I might just write on whatever day, whenever I think of anything, while it's still fresh in my head.

In other words, I have absolutely no idea what to reflect on, other than I know there's been a severe drought this winter, but the amount of rain we're getting now is ridiculous.

Dwarf willow (Salix herbacea)

You might've guessed from the name of this plant that it's actually a tree. The dwarf willow is the smallest tree in the world, and one of the smallest woody plants out there. The reason for its size is the factors of its habitat: it lives in freezing alpine and arctic environments. If you want to research further, you'd be hard pressed to find a plant up there in the north much bigger than this. And I'm not forgetting the actual pines up there, I mean finding large plants in the wind-swept tundras and moorlands. Its leaves are round, green and about the length of 1 cm. The dwarf willow has female and male catskins, which means it's appearance varies. It can be yellowish (male) or red (female). Based on this, I conclude that the willow above is female. I'm a botanist!

They're mostly found on both sides of the northern Atlantic region, including Greenland, Canada, Northwest Asia, and in the northern ranges of the Appalachian Mountains. It grows in ranges about 1,500 m altitude and over, but that doesn't stop people from bringing it down closer to sea level. The dwarf willow is a popular choice for advanced bonsai growers, due to their delicate frame, size, and the color of their buds. Exhibit A:

Just kidding, no more exhibits, I had a really nice picture of an even smaller bonsai willow, but I can't find it again. Curses.

Fun Facts:

• It's the only type of tree that grows in the tundra.
• It can only grow up to a maximum of 10 cm: About the length of an average human's palm. However, they average to about 5 cm, but can spread itself out quite a bit.
• Its other names include snowed willow and least willow.
• Texts from Sumer, Egypt, and Assyria that the bark and leaves of the willow tree can be used to cure aches and fevers. I don't think they meant this specific willow. Whatever. Still interesting.
• The Ancient Greeks also believed this.
• So did the Native Americans.
• It should be noted that not all people accept the dwarf willow as the smallest tree. Some say it doesn't qualify, and that it's actually a small shrub.