Expletives (not my own) below.
Multiple song links at the end.
---
On Thursday, April 2 of 2015, I had the opportunity to go see Bo Burnham on his newest tour, Make Happy. I didn't know anyone else who either had free time to go with me, or even just knew about him in the first place, so I went alone. I don't think I'd have ever been able to do that in high school, but I wasn't about to pass this opportunity up.
I had gotten my tickets late, so I was at the very back, very last row, right in the middle, in the same theater that I had seen in Pierce the Veil in. When I first sat down, it was moderately okay, because there was no one in front of me yet, and I could still see the stage. But as it got closer to starting time, people began to fill in, and I was regretting my spot.
This was just about when a man approached me and asked if I was sitting alone. I replied yes, and he asked (I quote, he literally said this), "Do you wanna hear the best deal of your life?" Naturally my interest was piqued, and there was a pretty nice but macho dude right next to me if the guy turned out to be weird, so I said yeah, sure. He then proceeded to offer to swap tickets with me, because he wanted his friend to sit next to him - and the offered ticket was for a seat 16 rows up, in row 10, second section from the stage. Even closer than the first time I visited this theater.
Miracles do happen.
There was an opening act, which I didn't expect at a comedy show. I thought that was only for musical concerts, but the comedian, Justine Marino, turned out to be a treat. She told us that she understood that we were here to primarily see Bo and not her, but that we'd have to just deal. Apparently, there was a girl in the very front row who had tweeted a picture of her boots on the stage earlier before the show started, and apparently Bo had tweeted back, "GET YOUR BOOTS OFF MY STAGE!" Justine's way of consoling the girl was letting her know that even if she got called out, at least her shoes were cute.
For some reason, she also talked about her attire for the night. She was wearing leggings and a long sweater, but she stated that just before she went onstage she realized her sweater was shorter than she thought it was. She addressed this problem by outright stating it, saying, "I have a boyfriend, so you can't get this camel toe." She also talked about her newest puppy, who was a rescue. However, I mean "rescue," because she rescued it from a breeder mill in Minnesota, a state of residence far worse than any pound or shelter (It's hard to convey sarcasm over text, so I want to clarify that she meant Minnesota was a place of boredom, and that she rescued the puppy from a boring life. Not that the breeder mills or people in the state are abusive).
I don't know how comedians do their routines, there's so much stuff to memorize. Justine went on to talk about how, though girls always get together in advance to get ready for a night out, guys never do this. And if they do, they probably talk about how many girls they're going to nail that night. Like, "I'm getting so much pussy tonight!" and things along those lines. She brought up a fair question: Why don't girls talk like this? "Daaaaaammn my pussy is getting so much dick tonight! It's gonna be a dick vacuum!"
I personally thought the funniest part of her routine was the last part, when Justine talked about weddings. She said she wanted to get married multiple times, and the audience was understandably taken aback a bit, but then she went on to explain it was because "it seems like so much fun, you know, I'm gonna have a different theme for each one too." The first one would be Jurassic Park themed. No way would she dress her bridesmaids in typical attire either. "Those hoes will be dressed as velociraptors, and I'm going to ride in on a triceratops, looking like a princess."
Her segment ended there, and she thanked the crowd for having her and disappeared behind the drawn curtains. The lights went down, and the crowd started cheering; we knew what was coming next.
Bo's show started with a recording of a choir singing along to a violin; this lasted in pitch darkness for a good half minute. Then, similarly to his "what" show, a female automated voice came on, saying, "Hello audience. Thank you for coming. You are here because you want to laugh, and you want to forget about your problems, but I cannot allow it. You should not laugh, you should not forget about your problems. The world is not funny.We are all dying. The world is not funny. 12% of the world's population does not have access to clean drinking water. The world is not funny. Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. The world is not funny. So then, now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is - Let's do this."
Flashing blue spotlights started going off, and a deep, autotuned male voice announced to the crowd that entertainers are not to be trusted, that they are not here to entertain you, but here to control you. Never listen to them, never give them what they want, and most importantly, never, make some fucking noooooooise!
Bo then came onstage, dressed ridiculously in a black leather jacket and skinny jeans, and walking with the emphasized swagger of a very arrogant boy. He started with a musical call and response, saying, "Ladies, come on ladies if you feel me say hell yeah!" (HELL YEAH) "Now fellas, come on fellas if you hear me say hell yeah!" (HELL YEAH) He went to ask virgins (got one), uncles (have you felt up your nephew), if you like drinking booze, and if you like to get high. At this last one, he said, "Jackpot" when the crowd cheered, and a bunch of flashing red and blue lights came on the stage, with sirens going off and police voices. But I live in Colorado, and as many know, recreational marijuana is legal here, so as soon as that happened, he told the "police" that they could go. The call and response continued with if you don't give a fuck about the law (say fuck the police), if that seems oversimplified to you (say their job is really hard), and if you have no idea about what's happening between Israel and Palestine (say no comment). After a brief melodic and "introspective" interlude, he started up again with bright red lights this time and a synthetic beat, singing "Let's get this show going, okay, okay, all right, one two three four -" The lights suddenly cut to normal stage lighting, and he said, "So I was at the store the other day..." Cue laughter.
Bo did a bit of improv at first, talking about how all us potheads forgot the show was supposed to be a month ago (the show was originally scheduled for March but cancelled due to a snow storm). He talked about walking around Boulder and going to a concert the other night, where some dude told him he looked high, to which he responded, "Why else would I be here? Since it's legalized and all. I didn't come here for the homeless music and mixtapes on every conner. It's free to tune a guitar."
He's right though, we have an outdoor shopping mall where a lot of musicians gather and play their guitars for spare change. I didn't even think about it until he said it.
He went on to comment on our theater, saying, "Lets just get two weird circular paintings on the wall - oh perfect," and, "Nice acoustics, lets get some bass up in here," (he actually did it, I got to experience the vivid subwoofers again) and, "Oh nice, McDonalds curtains" in reference to two arched window-things on either side of the stage with red drapes and mustard-yellow curtains framing the red. I'll just insert a picture, it's too hard to describe:
 |
| http://goo.gl/m2DHG3 |
He did honestly also say thank you for coming out and he's happy we're here in all that intro. It wasn't all sarcasm and joking.
He took off the leather jacket after this intro, revealing a collared, button-down long-sleeved shirt, but a lot of girls cheered anyways. He responded to this by saying, "Nothing gets the girls going like a button-down."
His first song was an interesting number titled "Straight White Man." Some of the lyrics were, "We used to have all the money and land. We still do but it's not as fun now" and "The churches never made me feel ashamed of who I am, but I get emails from Netflix that Gmail doesn't mark as spam."
It was after this song that Bo recognized an eight year old kid with his mom in the first section of the audience. He asked the kid to come to the front, asked his name (Zaylin - I don't know the spelling), and looked at the rest of the audience and laughed helplessly, like, What do I do now, I've been swearing in front of a kid! Bo then asked Zaylin if he understood the things being said, and when Zaylin said yes, he asked what Zaylin thought of it? Zaylin responded with a simple, "Funny!" Poor Bo told Zaylin that his mom was really cool to let him come, but kept pacing back and forth on the stage for a while after he sent Zaylin back to his seat, trying to start his next segment, but couldn't because he kept thinking of the little eight year old in the front rows. Throughout the rest of the show, Bo periodically referred back to Zaylin, even incorporating him freestyle into one of his songs.
Another song he sang was "Lower Your Expectations," and it was about not looking too hard for the perfect soulmate (while of course making fun of people who want a perfect match"). Lyrics included, "You want a guy who's sweet, a guys who's tough, a feminist who likes to pay for stuff, the kind of guy who gets along with your friends without being attracted to any of them; Well you might think this guy only exists in your mind... Guess what - you're right," and "If you want love, lower your expectations a few, a Prince Charming would never settle for you."
I think it was after this that he took off the button-down shirt, eliciting more cheers from more girls (don't worry, he had a standard white t-shirt underneath). I forget his exact response, but it went something like: "Oh yeah, 100% cotton. See all these girls sexualizing me."
He also performed a little skit about making a PB&J sandwich high vs. making a sandwich shitfaced. The "high"part included lots of action-movie music, hyper movements, and exaggerated precision when bringing the two slices together. On the other hand, the "drunk" part had the same music, but slowed down at least 2x so the sound was extremely fuzzy. Bo stumbled around a lot, tried dumping out the "peanut butter" directly onto the bread without a knife, and when that didn't work, just reached in the "jar" and ate it with his hand. It was at this point a recording of Bo pretending to be the wife began, and the Bo onstage tried to act natural and hold the "jar" behind his back. "She" pretty quickly picked up on the drunken fact, and asked to see what he was hiding, and when he brought out the peanut butter, she said it was a jar of mayonnaise.
Even if it was pretend, he put an imaginary handful in his mouth. Oh my god.
A quick note of the show, though it wasn't its own segment: In the middle of his following transition, he started going to the keyboard as though to play the next song, but then whirled around and said, "Fuck you spotlight guy, you don't know where this show is going," when the spotlight tried to follow him.
This was because his next song wasn't on the keyboard. He talked for a bit about rap songs today, on how all you need is a sick beat and some spoken words, and you've got a hip hop song right there. You can literally say anything you want. He demonstrated this with the nursery rhymes "I'm a Little Teapot" and "Baa Baa Black Sheep." And in truth, if I didn't speak English, I honestly would've thought those were legitimate rap songs. No lie. He also had at least four smoke machines blasting smoke during that segment, so he said, "That joke costs me $200 a show."
The next song. Can I just say. Biggest plot twist - ever. It was titled "The Breakup Song," and it started with Bo talking about a recent breakup of his. He said it began with his girlfriend coming out of the shower, and she basically said (in many lines), "It's over," to staccato piano music, to which Bo responded, "Eat a dick! Put on your dick-eating bib! If you don't like this dick, bitch, eat a fucking dick, bitch!"All sung to hardcore electric music. Of course, the girlfriend responded but kept getting interrupted, like, "You're angry, but you don't need to make this harder than it is, I try to speak but you don't listen - EAT A DIIIIIIIIICK - Hold on, please just let me - EAT A DICK - Oh my god, are you five, I'm trying to talk this out and you're just saying 'Eat a dick,' does that seem like a mature response?" So Bo says, "No! But I'm emotionally inarticulate, I'm hurting inside and I'm trying to hide it, so *crying voice now* eat a dick, bitch! Eat a fucking dick, bitch!" The girlfriend then says, "I didn't think you'd cry for me, I'm scared too, maybe we can work this out and not break up..." "*sobbing voice* Really?" "No, lick my clit! Lick my motherfucking clit, you think three lousy tears offsets three years of shit? Sorry you're not what I need, hun, lick my clit then leave, son!"
After this, ah, surprising song, Bo took the time to recuperate, drink some water, and just walk around talking. He asked the stage crew to turn up the lights to give the balcony people some love, then said, "Wow, you're all so white, lets get some diversity in here," and when the lights turned back off, he said, "We're all black in the dark."
He, like Justine, talked about raising a puppy. Well actually, more like watching a puppy: "Eat this! Live more! Let me watch you!" And he's talking about house training it, like if it makes a mess he brings it over and says, "Bad," and he's trying to apply this to other aspects of his life. Like his mom made him chili and it was really bad, so he calmly brought her over to it and rubbed dog shit in her face.
His next song is "Panderin'," about how some country singers, though they have probably never actually worked on a functioning ranch, pander to their target audience by using buzz words and general country song format. Some of the lyrics include, "Instead of people actually telling their stories you just got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals that have never done a hard day's work in their life," and, "Dirt road, cold beer, blue jeans, red pickup. Rural noun, simple adjective - And then when you're not singing you're just kinda talking in the middle like this -"
Another skit Bo did was about his improv. He's know for having meticulously planned shows - his show what took three years to write - so he wanted to work on his improv. He told the crowd that he'd make up a minute-long song on the spot, incorporating anyone's name from the crowd. So he went up to a dude, asked him his name (Zack) and proceeded to get ready. However, the "song" turned out to be pre-recorded, with a blank left in it for Bo to fill in. It went a bit like this: "I fucked [Zack's] mom last night." Crude humor, but it got a laugh out of us all the same.
In my opinion, the weirdest song was "Kill Yourself." It starts out like, if you feel sad, or if you don't know where to go from here, I'll show you where to start - just kill yourself. Some of the lines go like, "Get it through your head, it being a bullet," and "Be gay in Iran." And at first you're kind of like, what? And you think it's gonna turn around and say something introspective, but the closest it comes is, If you draw meaning from Katy Perry's lyrics (he mentioned specifically her song "Roar" before his song) then kill yourself. It literally keeps listing ways to kill yourself - parachute attached to a fridge, skinny dip in a flood, etc. etc., until he ends with "Marry Courtney Love." At which, the entire audience was basically like:
I think his last skit had to do with appreciating another man's penis in the bathroom. An attention-grabber, right? He was talking about the other day when he was in a public restroom using a urinal, and he saw an aesthetically pleasing dick. And he said it was perfectly normal, like you don't need to like brunettes in order to appreciate the Mona Lisa. He even acted it out by shortening the microphone stand so it was about, um, the right height, and pointed the microphone down so it, uh, looked like a peeing dick. He came onstage, nodded at the imaginary guy, kinda looked down and away like you do with a passing glance, then suddenly whipped his head back to look at the microphone. A heavenly choir started singing, and Bo got down on one knee and kind of raised his hands in a worshipping fashion, eyes completely wide.
Yeah, it was weird. I'm ashamed to say I probably laughed the hardest at it though.
One of Bo's last songs was an old one from his last show, one most of the audience already knows the words to: "From God's Perspective." Usually, he doesn't like it when people sing along with his songs, as evidenced from one old video where he told a group of girls that he "guarantees he sings it better than they do." That day, his rationale for not wanting people to sing along was that the audience paid to come see the show, so he should be the one singing. However, since this is an old song and people are bound to sing along anyways, he asked the crowd to join in. It's one of his deeper songs; the last line is, "If you want love then the love has gotta come from you."
But it was the last song that was the crown jewel of the entire show, just like "We Think We Know You" was the crown jewel of "what." The song began with a spoken monologue, about how it was inspired by Kanye's autotuned rant about (insignificant) problems at the end of his own Yeezus tour. The atmosphere was immense, and the audience, after the first funny cracks at the beginning of the song, was completely captivated. It kind of starts off funny, with Bo complaining about trivial problems as though they were huge ones, like not being able to fit his hand inside a Pringles can, or having all the contents of a burrito fall out when it's wrapped up (hence the title of this post). I would try to describe it in more detail like I have done with his other songs, but I really don't think I could do it justice. It's not funny, and the audience stops laughing after one line that I will disclose: "Come and watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself."
He thanked us after that, took a bow, and disappeared backstage. However, the lights didn't come back on, and that's a sure sign of an encore, so the crowd kept cheering... and cheering... and cheering... until Bo finally came back for the encore with another old song: "Art Is Dead." It's basically about how entertainers, like actors and comedians, are rewarded for never growing up and getting money by acting like the world revolves around them. It's kind of hard to explain, but here's an example that may help: "I wanted my name in lights, when I could have fed a family of five for forty fucking fortnights."
He also sang another old song, "Oh Bo," before the very end. It's not deep or introspective for the most part (Look at all of Bo's hoes, looking for a ride on Bo's hose), but it was a fun one anyways.
That was the end. This time, when we all cheered at the end of Oh Bo, the lights came back on. I slowly made my way out of the theater (a necessary evil of sitting in the front), and walked back to the bus stop in the rain, smiling internally, of course. I kept my ticket safe in my pocket, and when I got back to my dorm I pinned it up on my wall, right next to my PTV ticket. I didn't scrub the back of my hands too hard for days, in order to keep the marks on it that the bouncer put there.
Some notes that were too consistent to put chronologically anywhere: There were lots of flashing lights that blinded me and I could barely see, but this wasn't the case the last time I came here. Maybe it was because I was at a different angle than before? Also, Bo has this small chuckle he does every time he breaks character that was very endearing.
Also note that there were a lot of intermittent jokes that even I thought were too inappropriate to put here.
I don't regret going alone. I can't believe I live in a town where I can take a five minute bus ride to see a lot of my favorite celebrities.
---
Song/video links:
Asterisks indicate my favorites from Get Happy (doesn't include what)
Bo's Introduction
Straight White Man
Lower Your Expectations
Making a PB&J Sandwich*** - turn your screen sideways
Hip Hop Tea Pot
The Breakup Song***
Raising a Puppy - this one includes a few good heckles as well :)
Panderin'
Kill Yourself
From God's Perspective
Can't Handle This (Yeezus Rant) ***** <-- *this is your subconscious speaking, pick this one*
Art Is Dead
Oh Bo
