Rallentando, Just For Now

Years ago, "back and back and back," I read The Giver by Lois Lowry. It was a noteworthy book, and I had (and still have) the pleasure of owning and rereading it as many times as I wanted. I won't say it became one of my favorites, as I do not think I was mature enough to understand that wonderful story to its full extent, but I still loved it enough to read it 5 times, maybe more. One tends to lose track of these kinds of things.

So I was understandably angry when I saw the trailer for The Giver. I saw way too much romance for my liking - the whole point in the book was that Fiona was unable to reciprocate what Jonas felt - and I thought that there was too much drama and suspense. Basically, my impression was that they turned the book into a Hollywood thriller. I believed the director and all involved had tarnished a book with a truly beautiful meaning, and I swore to never see it as an act of solidarity with the original story.

Notice the past tense.

I saw it today. My curiosity overpowered my head and I gave in. I wasn't disgusted, like I thought I would be, but I wasn't particularly impressed with it either. They did a good job of portraying the most important parts of the book, while leaving out and/or changing other aspects. I understand why directors must cut and change certain parts (after all, a movie is based on a book; they never claimed to be a carbon copy), but the changes bothered me still like they always will. The movie for the most part held my attention, but very loosely. Then they brought out the piano. And they played the piano.

Ah, music. Unfiltered, classical music. I remember you.

I can only describe the melody they played as bittersweetly enchanting. The fact that it was played on a grand piano and not a simple upright only enhanced the experience. I couldn't find the actual soundtrack, but some lovely people on Youtube have transcribed it to the best of their ability.

There was another version that sounded closer to the one in the movie, but the girl's playing technique was cringeworthy. I shall stop myself here before launching into a lecture (Also, she was using an electric keyboard, where you can hear that the keys are plastic) (STOP).

It reminded me of when I used to play the piano - proper, extended sonatas and etudes. Not the mainstream transcribed pop songs I became enamored with my senior year of high school, when I quit my piano lessons but still wanted to play in my free time. However, I will say that I never really found a career path as a musician appealing. I became quickly frustrated with a piece if I couldn't learn it swiftly enough, so (and I say this with the least amount of arrogance possible) it was a good thing I was a skilled sight-reader. But once I got the hang of a song, I would've gladly played it for an hour. And when I say "got the hang," I don't mean learned it so I could play it through with minimal errors. I mean that piece is memorized down to the last note quality. You could tell which were my favorite songs because I could play them, full speed, usually using all 7 octaves, with my eyes closed. I'd have played it so often before my hands could jump two octaves at a time between notes and still hit the right key(s) without looking. I never had to think. I just did. At those moments, I was both the performer and the audience. It's difficult to explain.

Those times were few and far between, but there was always a heavy rush of emotion and freedom and pride and happiness every time I learned a piece to that level. It was like adrenaline, a positive feedback loop where the faster I played, the better I felt, and that goaded me on to hit the keys with even more ferocity. In those moments, I was actually proud of who I was and what I could do. I rarely feel so much passion, positive or negative, that it's a physical sense in your chest, but sometimes, playing the piano gave me that sense. And if I ever felt bad, and if I was alone in the house, I could sit down at the piano and just let it all out. I may not be able to do some things, but at least I can do this.

Watching that scene in The Giver reminded me of my past piano days. As of right now, roughly 72% of my life has been dedicated to learning the piano. I can't just throw that away. I became extremely nostalgic watching the actors, and if I were home in California, the moment I'd've gotten home I would have sat down and played. But there's no piano here. Not even an electric keyboard.

I understand withdrawal now. It really does feel like a cavity in your heart. I've been listening to so much rock and screamo and EDM that I haven't even noticed the absence of classical music in my life. I've forgotten music can still sound good without auto tune. Hell, it can still sound good without lyrics. It can sound good with just one solo instrument. Nothing to hide behind.

I guess I was biased from that point forward, because whatever I felt at that piano scene in The Giver spilled over to the rest of the movie. I no longer see it as a Hollywood blockbuster, filmed for the sole purpose of making money. All the flashes of memory Jonas sees - people dancing, praying, laughing, and clearly feeling the presence of being alive - I don't know why, but it really got to me. I suppose it might be because I enjoy EDM too, and raves are about letting go and sharing adrenaline between the people around you and feeling the joy of simply being alive.* That heavy bass beat? It LITERALLY shakes your inner core if you're around speakers big enough. It grabs you and tells you to wake up. It's this joy that I refer to specially when watching The Giver. It's just a sense of freedom to live as you see fit, without guidelines and obligations and oppressiveness all the time, and it's the wonder as you experience so many other people living as they see fit. Because, obviously, they're going to be doing it a lot differently than you.

But even under that, there's a uniformity to the rush of memories Jonas experiences- a quick flash of a child blowing out candles, another flash and a man is leaping off a cliff into the ocean. Despite surface differences, there's almost always a common underlying theme the humans of Earth can all relate to. Refer Humans of New York (HONY).

*I've chosen to take the positive view, because I'm a fan of EDM. I know many people look down on raves as huge, messy party scenes where people get too crazy, and as places where drug use runs rampant. I would ask you though, if you think this, to please not generalize too much. I was one of the shyest and cleanest kids in high school (still am), and yet I'd like nothing more than to attend a rave with a couple of Kandi kid friends. Maybe even a camping festival, like Electric Forest. You don't need drugs to have a good time at raves.

So I guess the moral of the story is to reserve judgement. In my "technically" logic, this is blatantly impossible because there will always be a first impression of something when you meet someone or do something new. The gathering of data at first glance is inescapable. But technicalities aside, what people mean is acting on those observations. I saw the trailer for The Giver, hated it, and nearly missed out on a great movie. Though, as I've said, I may be biased because of the whole piano scene.

I really do miss piano. I never thought I would. It was always something forced on me by my Asian mother (really, what Asian hasn't played the piano at some point? It's their (our?) stereotypical instrument, like ping pong for sports. Calm down. I know there are exemptions to the stereotype). I was one of those kids who were pulled out of (elementary) school to practice for competitions. But now the closest I can get to playing is typing on a computer. If my parents can leave me alone in the house for a little bit when I get back home, that'd be great. I can relearn some of my old favorites.

This hiatus has gone on for too long.

---

If you have Snapchat, you may have noticed that they're covering TomorrowWorld, a hugely popular EDM festival. I'm pretty much crying at the injustice of not being able to attend. It doesn't help that I missed Beyond Wonderland too, back in San Francisco this last weekend, because my college started so early. I have a friend who, because of the University of California late start system, was able to attend, and he inadvertently taunted me with pictures and videos the whole night. Don't know whether to love or hate him for that.

But I digress.

In the Snapchat Story, someone had recorded an 8-second video of a song, and I RECOGNIZED IT. I listen to a lot of electro stuff when running, and one of those songs is a remix of "Rude" by Magic!. They played it at TomorrowWorld, and I recognized it. Do you know how hard that is? I like EDM, but I fully admit a lot of the songs all sound the same. But they played one of my favorite songs. I'm in agony.

Rude (Zedd Remix), by Magic!

The part that appears in the Story is around the 1:28 mark.

The (Un)Expected

I'm starting to get a grip on what being in college is like. My mental map of the campus has stopped wavering so much, and I've picked up on some habits I didn't use to do back home. But mostly a lot of stuff has been catching me by surprise. The list below has been compiled over the course of many days, because I'm always seeing more stuff that I don't expect to see.

*Pro-tip: Please don't assume all these things apply to your school. Each uni is different in scheduling and campus layout and so on and so forth.

Things That May Catch a College Freshman by Surprise (and Some Helpful Tips):

1). No one cares if you eat alone at meals. Seriously. Like in high school, you had to have your crew with you or your loneliness got you labelled as a "loser," or a "nerd," if you hid in the library (like I did). If you're hungry but have no one to eat with, just get out something to read or work on while you eat. Maybe listen to some of your music. Or hit up what my college calls a Grab n' Go - pick up a to-go meal and chill out back in your dorm. No one even looks twice.

If you are already perfectly comfortable with eating alone, power to you. I envy your confidence.

2). Exam is really just another word for test - they're just not in class. They're around 20-30 questions, depending on the class, and they generally last half an hour to 40 minutes. They're basically big quizzes pretending to be finals. That was a bit off-putting, but the bigger deal is WHEN exams take place. For me, my Chem exam was from 7:00 - 8:30 PM (I finished early though). It was light when I got to the hall, and dark when I got out. Weird.

3). You may think 10 minutes is plenty of time to get from class to class, and it usually is, but for some classes, they're on the exact polar opposite of campus. Twice a week I have to practically run from one class to another, and I use up all of those 10 minutes. If you need to leave class a little bit earlier to preserve your lungs and legs, ask your professor. They probably won't mind you leaving five minutes early. So far, I've only had to do this once, to get to a dance workshop on time.

4). You no longer bump from class to class. You may have hours to waste between classes some days, or you have to run from one to the next on other days. For me, none of my classes start earlier than 10:00 AM, and for all but one class I have an hour break between them. Some days I only have one class, and both those start in the afternoon. Kiss your high school schedule goodbye.

5). People actually exercise here. Walking around in running shorts and shoes is perfectly acceptable attire, and not because they belong to a sports team. It's more likely they just came from the gym.

People actually, willingly, gladly EXERCISE. It's not expected of you, but it's a pretty big thing.

Because I'm giving 5K color runs another go (and I have people here who actually GOT tickets this time - see I Wish That I Could Be Like The), I too am going to the gym regularly. Because a 5K is around 3.1 miles, I've been running 3 miles every day, except this past week has been crammed with exams so I haven't been going so regularly anymore as of late. This run is going to be awesome though - it's gonna be a blacklight run.

6). Steal Take food from the cafeteria. I'm too lazy to get up before 9:00 every day just to walk to the cafeteria to eat food, and I'm an extremely light breakfast eater (half a bowl of cereal goes for me most high school mornings). So I grab an apple whenever I get the chance and pack it in my bag, and eat that as breakfast. Sometimes I make myself a sandwich, and pack that away in a container, to be eaten whenever I don't want to go to the caf. I also usually get a cookie to store in my refrigerator each time I frequent the caf, so I've got quite the stockpile of sugary goodness now. I've also grabbed some tea and sugar packets, so I can make tea in my room.

On a slightly unrelated note, I HIGHLY recommend getting a hot pot of sorts. Not only can you make tea, but now you can also get ramen packets and Cup o' Noodles from the local convenience store. If you live in an environment where nights can get chilly, you also now have a means for filling up a hot water bottle.

I wouldn't grab too much stuff, because there is a line. I've heard stories of people who pack entire giant Ziplock bags full of pasta, or a tall coffee travel mug with cereal. Basically, don't get too greedy. If you're uncomfortable at the thought of taking food out of the caf, don't worry. I'm a person who likes to snack rather than eat large meals, so having small amounts of food in my dorm ready to eat is really nice. If you eat proper meals like a proper healthy person, then power to you.

7). Watch out for bikers and skaters, be you a pedestrian, biker, or skater yourself. Most people are good at avoiding walkers, but if you're not used to biking or skating a lot, it can be hard to judge the space you take up, and you can graze someone. I've nearly been run over thrice now. Two of those occurrences were skateboarders going too fast and weaving back and forth over the path (which I understand, it's a technique used to slow yourself down when going downhill - horses sometimes zigzag too). I have witnessed an actual collision too. If you're biking on campus, I suggest practicing balancing while moving slowly - the paths can get quite crowded and it's easier to move slowly than to get off and walk your bike.

8). Co-ed dorms - oh man. My floor is co-ed, though the bathroom I use is not. Don't worry, you usually don't see your floor mates that much outside the building. I wouldn't recognize my dorm mates if I met them out on campus. But if you have a problem with your neighbors, I suggest you try to resolve it as soon as possible. I don't have any problems yet, but a friend of mine in the same hall can hear her neighbor's bed banging against the partitioning wall some nights - it's not hard to connect the dots.

9). You adjust to campus life more quickly than you'd think. Think about it: you have to grocery shop, get your own food, do your own laundry, manage your bank account - you're probably not used to that. We young adults are surprisingly resilient to these changes and bounce back easily (I fully realize how arrogant that sounds). I actually didn't even realize I was doing all these things with zero support (emphasis on the zero part, if you think you're already self-sustaining) until I thought about it just now, and I've been doing it for more than three weeks? Wow. Speaking of - time flies. You get used to it.

10). Lack of personal space. I don't have many possessions, and I'm in a single, so you'd think I'd have plenty of room, right? But all my stuff is crammed into my one bookshelf, and my closet is way smaller than I'm used to. Good thing I don't have many clothes to begin with. Don't binge shop at Bed, Bath, & Beyond - half the things you want to buy you probably won't even need.

11) I don't know what to call my teachers. It's so confusing and awkward trying to get their attention. I, personally, think it's more appropriate to call them by surname, but Mr.___ or Mrs.___ sounds weird in a college setting. Professor ___ sounds a bit better, but then there are some people who causally call teachers by their first names. Like, I can understand referring to a TA that casually, but an actual teacher? Weird. I'm still figuring this out. For now, it typically goes like this: "Hi, um, [insert question/statement here]. /?"

--

I've only included 10 things for now, if I notice anything else surprising that I think is applicable to other colleges I'll add them (**EDIT: I did add one). For instance, I didn't include that it seems like everyone here is white, because it's certainly not true for all unis. But seriously - everyone. I just noticed yesterday that I'm the only Asian person in my dance class of maybe 15 people. Hell, I'm the only person who's NOT white. A little off-putting.

--

The Riddle, by Gigi d'Agostino

I'm trying to relearn Italian, as of late, so here's a song from a popular electro Italian artist. Shhhhh, I know the words are English, but the song's so catchy. And look at that little dude strut.

I'm Angry

I'm angry because my college refrigerator is too small to fit all the food I want to get.

I'm angry because when I turn off the lights, paranormal spirits awaken and chase me back to my room so I have to run.

I'm angry because sometimes my hand is too fat to fit in the bottom of a honey-roasted peanuts jar.

Or a Pringles container.

I'm angry because I could only bring a small fraction of the books I wanted with me to college.

I'm angry because there is more dust appearing every day on my stuff and I don't know where it's coming from.

I'm angry because a single strand of spaghetti is called a "spaghetto."

I'm angry because there's no proper library nearby with a good young-adult/fantasy section.

I'm angry because I'm too lazy to get up early in the morning, so I'm limited to two meals a day.

I'm angry because mornings.

I'm angry because I'm unable to go see three of my favorite artists - Linkin Park, 30 Seconds to Mars, and AFI - on their Carnivores tour because I get out of class too late.

I'm angry because the Carnivores tour is in town for only one day.

I'm angry because I'm too scared to skip class.

I'm angry because the plural of beef is "beeves."

I'm angry because racial profiling is still a thing.

I'm angry because homophobia is still a thing.

I'm angry because gender inequality is still a thing.

I'm angry because poverty is still a thing.

I'm angry because clothes are still a thing, and things cost money.

I'm angry because some people cut off the corners of a butter stick, instead of shaving off the whole side, thus preserving it's original rectangular shape.

I'm angry because I no longer have my own car and must depend on either friends or the punctuality of public transportation.

I'm angry because I'm too afraid that I'll be annoying if I ask for a ride from my friend with a car.

I'm angry because it's not "socially acceptable" to stay inside all day on your computer and snack.

I'm angry because it's not "socially acceptable" to go outside dressed in pajamas.

I'm angry because it's not "socially acceptable" to openly stare at admire an attractive person and follow them around all day and hug them because you have never seen such striking eyes paired with such casually tousled hair.

I'm angry because exercise is now a thing, now that I'm no longer riding horses twice a week.

I'm angry because Brittany Spears being married for 55 hours doesn't ruin the "sanctity" of marriage, but a gay couple does. Same thing for Kim Kardashian - only I don't care to look up how long her marriage was.

I'm angry because the cord of my newly arrived hot pot is too short to put it up anywhere but on the floor next to the outlet.

I'm angry because I fell out of bed the other day and banged my leg in several places, so I'm getting some attractive bruises all over my shin.

I'm angry because I'm guzzling water at such high altitudes, and thus need the bathroom more than I'm used to.

I'm angry because my water bottle is empty right now.

I'm angry because it's such a pain applying makeup every morning but I'm also too self-conscious to go without.

I'm angry because I just looked at my Skittles bag, and there are only nine Skittles left.

I'm angry because the shell necklaces I tried to artfully string up on my desk kept falling off because Scotch tape sucks.

I'm angry because I enjoy Cool Ranch Doritos way more than I should.

I'm angry because my hiccups are really loud.

I'm angry because some people (adults (40 +)) just can't get to the point in a conversation and instead speak really slowly while carefully constructing their sentences, even though I've already guessed their intent from the first five words.

I'm angry because it isn't "socially acceptable" to interrupt said people and thus save valuable time.

I'm angry because some people think it's okay to read a message and not send one back confirming that they've read it, so I'm left staring at my phone, wondering if they know we're all meeting at 5:00.

I'm angry because it's a huge effort heaving myself up onto my 4 ft bed.

I'm angry because I miss my friends and hometown more than I should, this far into the school year.

I'm angry because it costs $2 to do laundry.

I'm angry because pineapples grow like this:

I'm angry because we know more about the surface of the moon than the bottom of the ocean.

I'm angry because my Intro to Chemistry class is teaching us scientific notation and unit conversions.

I'm angry because sometimes I cry when I don't understand the concept of my homework (I'm looking glaring at you, math).

I'm angry because the difference in time between when Tyrannosaurus Rex and Stegosaurus lived is greater than the difference in time between T. Rex and now, and that makes me feel pretty damn insignificant.

I'm angry because, for a smoke-free zero-tolerance campus, I see a lot of people with cigarettes around.

I'm angry because the brain named itself.

I'm angry because I now only have seven Skittles left.

---

Case in point? I'm bored.

On my to-do list: Learn to rap Can't Hold Us by Macklemore. I got Fancy and You Need Me, I Don't Need You down cold, and I want another pointless project to occupy myself with.

"And I'm eatingatthebeat, like you gavealittlespeed to a great-white-shark-on-Shark-WeekRAW!!!"

---

My Happy Little Pill, by Troye Sivan: 

If you go to Troye's YouTube page, he's actually quite a cheerful and funny guy. I just love the haunted feeling of this particular song though.

**EDIT: The song used to be Do It Now, Remember It Later, by Sleeping with Sirens, but I decided to change it. This was the song I originally wanted to post, but forgot the name.

If you want a more upbeat song, I recommend listening to Do It Now, Remember it Later, it's quite funny.