"I Wish That I Could Be Like The"

At the beginning of this summer, I discovered what a color run is. I pretty much hate extended running, but getting sprayed with dye so you come out as a vivid mess at the end? Sounds awesome. Trouble is, I don't have a lot of friends who like to exercise (like me) or who would be willing to pay the registration fee, but I did know one. I hit her up, and she said it looked awesome, so we decided to do it and I got my ticket. The run is this weekend.

Yesterday she let me know, after I contacted her first about battle plans, that she couldn't make it after all. I sympathized, even though I was kinda mad she didn't let me know herself, because I assumed she had a good reason (which she did). Then I mentioned what a waste it was of her money, and she told me she never even got a ticket in the first place.

Like, are you serious? When were you planning on telling me?

So I was talking to another friend, and realized she might be interested in it. I let her know, and she sounded really excited, but told me that she would have to get back to me the next day. Thing is, this friend is kind of known to me for bailing last minute, and for not keeping promises about responding soon, so I wasn't surprised when (after I contacted her first - again) she told me six hours later she forgot about another event scheduled for the same time and couldn't make it.

So yes, I'm pretty pissed at the both of them, but it's not really in my nature to stay mad or hold grudges, and I don't want them to feel bad about making me mad (refer to previous post - it takes a lot to make angry), so I'm just letting it go after I rant about it here.

But my key point here isn't really to list how other people tick me off. I was thinking about it, and I realized that freshman me wouldn't have even thought about inviting other people to functions, for fear of rejection. Isolation is one of my biggest fears, and the thought of them having to outright say they didn't want to hang out terrified fourteen year old me. And now, here I am, more pissed than broken by the fact that weekend is open again.

Amazing. Here I was thinking that my personality didn't change too much during my time at high school. After all, I'm still shy in large groups - but only of strangers. I adore hang outs with twenty plus something people, as long as they are all my friends/close acquaintances. I don't make new friends easily - except when it's one-on-one talking. I met a cool guy from a different school near the end of my senior year - an absolute, intimidating stranger - and now I talk to him more than I talk to most friends who went to my actual school. 

Have I actually changed that much? What, or who, prompted this change? I'm trying to remember when exactly I started acting like this, and can't pinpoint it to any certain time. I'm grateful though - I'd much rather forgive and forget than obsess over how no one likes me and be depressed for days. Is this just me maturing - becoming a little more callous and insensitive to how others view me? I've seen so many memes on the internet about then and nows: the then teenager worrying about what everyone thinks, the now adult kicking back with a martini and not giving a damn about what others think. I'd always laugh inside, and tell myself I'll always be self-conscious, but now...

Case in point.

I guess what throws me the most is that there must be a scientific, chemical reason behind it, and it's not so much that I changed myself for the better, but that my brain stopped releasing some hormone or decreased/increased output levels or whatever. I mean, if it happens to pretty much everyone (and it seems that it does), then I didn't make myself grow up. I literally just acquired enough years and my mind entered a new stage. That's it. So much for self-discovery.

Anyways, since I've gotten into a whole new genre of music, I'm going to post a new list of my top ten songs like I did a while back.

Not in order of importance.

Favorite Songs: 
1. King for a Day
2. Secret Valentine
3. Ten Thousand Feet
4. You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
5. Don't Look Now, I'm Being Followed
6. Radio Arcade
7. Injection
8. If You Can't Hang
9. This Is War
10. I Found Away (feat. Douglas P)

**This is not to say that I don't like alternative anymore, to make that clear. I just didn't post any alternative songs because I haven't been exploring that genre too much as of late, other than to listen to Owl City's new EP or shuffle through old songs.

This one song though, this one song I identify with so much that it's going to forever be one of my favorites, no matter how the list fluctuates in the coming years. I'll hopefully be ninety someday, and showing it to my grandchildren (if I ever have any, it's kind of doubtful ATM), and telling them that, for the majority of my high school career, this was exactly what I felt. Word for word. That's why it's not above.

Cool Kids, by Echosmith

Music is my therapy.