At the beginning of my junior year, the first time I only had six instead of seven classes, I would always think, "I'm late!" whenever the bell signaling the beginning of seventh period rang (seventh was always my free period). I was so used to going to class when it rang, it took a month to get accustomed to not going to all seven periods. It was surreal.
It should be like that now. I should be feeling really weird that high school has started, and I'm not there to catch up with friends I was too shy to socialize with over the summer, and compare schedules, and stake out a lunch spot claim for the rest of the year. It's like in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, where *SPOILER ALERT* Harry, Ron and Hermione are holed up in Grimmauld Place, hiding from Death Eaters, and not being able to board the Hogwarts Express. I've already shipped my Potter series out to college, so I can't directly quote, but I think Ron says something along the lines of, "I've been thinking about that, it should've left ten minutes ago. Weird, isn't it? Not being on the train?" And then Harry wonders whether Neville and Luna and the rest of the Hogwarts crew are wondering where they (Harry, Ron, and Hermione) are, and discussing how to best survive Snape's new reign as headmaster. *END SPOILER ALERT* It should be like that, where not going to high school is a strange and unsettling experience. I should feel something odd, if not last-minute panic about finishing summer homework.
I don't.
I think that I've finally come to grips with the fact that high school is over, forever. It wasn't a shock, or a sudden revelation. There was a moment in early June where I was reading in my room when suddenly I felt a physical punch to my stomach, and I thought, Oh God, high school is OVER, it's never happening again, this is IT, and I literally felt my muscles tighten for a moment. But then it passed, and I went back to feeling as though senior year would repeat itself.
Instead of a shock, I guess it just happened - "slowly, and then all at once." ( :) ) I don't feel weird at all that I'm not at school. I don't feel like I need to get supplies, or get up early to get ready, or anything. I know friends that are at school, and yeah, I'm like, Suckers, but I just know that I don't belong there anymore. Do I miss it? Yes. Do I wish I was one of them again? Partially. But I somehow just got over that, at some point. I'm not deluded anymore.
I've still got about a week from yesterday before I leave for college, and I'm freaking out a little bit more about that. I was put into a singles dorm, which may sound like a dream, but I'm actually really nervous for the first few weeks. The way I see it, if you have a room mate, you've always got someone to hang out with, especially for the first Welcome Week. I've heard there are lots of concerts lining up - who am I going to get ready and go with? Their cafeteria is huge - who will I sit with? It takes about thirty minutes to walk from one end of campus to the other - who will explore it all with me? I mean, I have made some tentative friends already, but they all live in the cluster of dorms removed thirty minutes from campus. Just my luck.
I entered middle school with zero friends, and that killed my social confidence stone cold dead. If I feel completely alone like that for college too, I will never forgive myself. These are supposed to be some of the best years of my life. I don't want to spend more time than necessary trying to find friends without appearing annoying or needy. People say college is totally different from high school, but I guess mine's not like that. I can already see the cliques forming up - and in only two days. It might already be too late to find an on-campus group to chill with before school really starts.
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I started this post yesterday, and visited my high school today to return some expensive art supplies. I bumped into some old friends (they are not seniors and juniors, they are still juniors and sophomores, I maintain), talked to my favorite teachers, and stood in shock at the floor remodeling in the science wing of the C Building.
I felt so removed from it all. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful seeing my old "stomping grounds" again, but I didn't feel a part of it anymore. This wasn't my school, it was just some place that's firmly categorized in my past now. I sure did feel nostalgic, but I also felt pretty superior. Like, I see you staring, can I help you? I'm a college student, so keep your punk ass walking. What? You're pointing me out to your friends? I don't care. I don't have time for you. I'm so over this scene.
Oh God, it's happening. I'm becoming a condescending adult. God save me. Where are my childish book series? Oh, I'm missing my entire Potter collection? Damn, that was my go-to. What can I do to become immature again? My dad's hiding my video games... Oh wait, technically, I actually am an adult?
Anyways, that's probably the last I'll see of my high school for a long time. I feel no bitterness, no sadness*. Without realizing it, I've already moved on. I may not look forward 100% to where I'm going next, but I'm certainly not glancing back over my shoulder, except for my friends, I suppose.
*I actually am sad, but for my childhood. It is officially over. I've never liked the idea of growing up ( I cried on my first double-digit birthday) but now I've finally reached the grown-up checkpoint. Innocence is over. Denial has begun.
So my ending question for this post, since I haven't done one of those in a while, is: What can I do during my college years to postpone the inevitable transformation into a life-ravaged adult? How can I hold onto my precious immaturity?
It was a Thursday yesterday, so I don't feel any qualms about linking a #throwbackthursday song.
Sirius/Eye in the Sky, by The Alan Parson's Project:
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