After all the drama and homesickness of the first few days, they feel as far away as home does. I don't know how I did it, but I may have already found a new crew of cool people. I still stand by what I said before - this campus is filled with people out of my league. I don't care so much about that anymore though - as long as I have someone to sit with during meals, and to hang out with between classes, I am content.
I'm taking four classes: General Biology, Intro to Chemistry, Intro to Dance and Culture, and Intro to Sociology. Technically, I shouldn't have to take Gen Bio, because I got AP credit for it during my senior year of high school, but my advisor said I should really just take it just in case, and I trust her. Besides, the next class up was already full of preregistered sophomores. No room for me in any case. So I basically wasted $90, but no point dwelling on it now. Same thing for Chem - the last time I had a Chemistry class was sophomore year of high school, and apparently that was too long ago, and I might not understand or remember the concepts and subjects in regular Chemistry, so I'm stuck in Intro. Disclaimer: this class is so tedious, I swear. The professor is teaching us states of matter and density formulas. I swear.
Dance would be fun if I knew someone. Most people there are just as shy as I am, and the confident ones have bonded with each other, so it'd be awkward approaching them. We learned Elizabethan Era formal and folk dances the first practical day. Again, tedious, and much more awkward than Chem.
The only class I'm really enjoying so far is Sociology. Our professor started our first lecture with a question: What is the greatest form of individual self expression? Some students thought it was what you did when you were by yourself. Others thought it was what you created, the choices you made when you came to a fork in the road. The professor agreed, nodded, said absolutely. Then he said: Suicide.
Talk about starting with a bang.
He went on to talk about Émile Durkheim's Theory of Suicide, which can be summed up in the graph below:
I am not one to dwell too long on psychological and sociological ideas and theories, but this one hit me hard. I guess I have a pretty morbid streak - I'm similarly interested in the Holocaust.
But seriously. Isn't suicide one of the most powerful forms of control and free will? Simply because of its irreversibility? I can't think of anything else at the moment that expresses as much authority and power and freedom as suicide does. It is the ultimate choice, because once you're gone, that's it. No amount of prayers or science or cryonic preservation will ever bring you back, exactly as you were. A lifetime's worth of unique and irreplaceable experiences - lost.
I hope it doesn't seem like I'm in awe, or that I admire people who commit suicide. Rereading what I wrote, it could be taken that way. But I also hope that you, reader, understand the point I'm really trying to emphasize: the permanence of death. I've recently found a phrase on my old high school's compliments page: "Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems." Nothing could be more serious. I can understand the altruism behind self-immolation, or the nationalism of the kamikaze pilots (Yes, I know not all of them were willing and patriotic). But once you die, you take with you all your memories, experiences, thoughts: everything that makes you you. And yes, if everyone's unique, what's so special about being special? Your capacity to do something, in your way, that no one else could ever hope to copy. That's special. Just think - according to Haub, there are approximately over 106 BILLION people who ever lived, starting with what he thought was Adam and Eve. Think of how many memories that is. And to think there would be even more - more discoveries, more cures, more leaders - if it weren't for those who chose to leave early.
While browsing the Interwebz for interesting articles, I came across this one. To pique your interest, the title is: Is There a Right to Die? Also, here's a quote:
"So I conclude that the suicide is actually in the right, and anyone who tries to stop 'em is in the wrong."
I think the author's throat deserves a firm hug. However, I will admit I can see some validity in their arguments - asking someone to continue living miserable lives is as selfish as them deciding to kill themselves. But only in very few cases, like pulling a plug. Props to good persuasive writing. Lost respect because of the stance on the subject.
(I also found this link on that page. As an agnostic atheist, I find it kind of funny, but more so disrespectful. Whoever created that site is doing exactly what many devout but intolerant Christians are doing: forcing their beliefs on others with what they think is unarguable proof. God exists, because who/what else could have started the universe! God doesn't exist, because no one has ever recorded any scientific observations of any kind of activity that could be Him! Honestly. I actually greatly admire the faith of religious people, and I wouldn't want to take that comfort away from them. In most cases, what purpose would that serve?)
Another interesting thought - have you ever heard of suicide notes? In many egoistic suicides, the person apologizes in their note, perhaps to their spouse, or kids, or whoever else. Why do they feel the need to apologize? If they cared enough about the person(s) to feel the need to try to assuage the grief that's sure to be felt, why do it at all? Why, when they've got loved ones to live for? People like this are aware that they are going against society. We have numbers everywhere, help lines, websites, everything, in an attempt to prevent suicides. It's looked down upon, detested, if someone considers taking their life. Is that why they apologize - sorry for being a blight upon your world, for daring to have these thoughts? Shall I remove myself and my thoughts quickly and all at once, like an old Band-Aid, so your society won't have to deal with it anymore? One less person to worry about, right? I like to think we've all had those moments, wondering who would care if we died, who would attend or speak at our funeral. We've all had suicidal thoughts. I myself pulled back thinking about the devastation of my parents, and the label a suicide-repellant community would brand them with for outliving their daughter - infamous for the rest of their lives. But if we lived in an anomic society (an absence of social norms and values), would there still be guilty suicide notes?
Perhaps most importantly: Does Durkheim's theory still hold in these modern times?
With all that being said, if you, reader, are contemplating suicide, or know someone who may be, please follow the link to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They know what they are doing, and while they may not always have a first hand experience of what you or someone else is going through, they are pretty good at listening and understanding.
**EDIT: A funny story to counter all that negativity: I was hanging out with a friend's dorm mates tonight (she lives in a different dorm, so these guys are strangers), and we're playing Cards Against Humanity and generally having a good time. One guy asks me where I'm from, and I say California, and then San Francisco when he prompts me (no one ever knows the suburb I'm actually from, so I've taken to saying SF to give people an easy geographical location). One guy is clearly amazed, and goes, "Oh my god, that's soooo cool! Hahaha! You're so lucky!"
Everyone loves the Californian. :)
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Miles Away (feat. Kellin Quinn), by Memphis May Fire. Because I'm miles away from home.
In case you needed clarification.
