Ragefest

I feel like throwing things, breaking down, curling up, crying hard, running fast, and throwing up.

Not necessarily in that order. But particularly the throwing things part. Probably because there are a pile of tempting pillows in my vicinity.

Backstory:

As my IRL friends know, I have/had some bad history with a former best friend's ex. When they broke up, I felt obliged to completely ignore him, as was my duty to shun the guy who dared cause my bestie discomfort. Problem was, we had become pretty good friends during their one-year relationship. So when I started giving him the cold shoulder, it was pretty awkward. I didn't really like what I was doing, but considered it the social protocol, especially since said bestie was ranting about him quite a lot for the first few days.

He didn't get it for the first year and a half after the breakup. Things weren't helped by a different friend, who teased me with "liking" this guy, and that only served to make me distance myself even further. He would say hi, I would make some noncommittal noise. Reset, repeat. In the end, halfway through my junior year, the hellos and hugs decreased in number until we were both completely ignoring each other. He graduated last year without me ever getting up the courage to apologize.

Flash-forward to end of junior year:

This guy, who is super-uber smart, gets accepted to a very prestigious school. Because I'm a baby and don't like confrontations, I decided I wouldn't even consider said school because I don't want to run into him there, or look like I was following him. Besides, I figured I wouldn't have any chance of getting in anyways. Instead, because another university in the same city roundabouts started sending me letters and other paraphernalia, I looked into it, and was very impressed by what I saw. However, it's very difficult to get into, but that didn't stop me from applying. I figured, what the heck? It became my unreachable university, somewhere I could apply just to see if I could get in.

Flash-flash-forward to three days ago:

I got wait listed for my university. I was in complete and utter shock. My application, though I tried way too hard on it for something I thought I would get rejected from, apparently made up in EC activities what it lacked in grades. And I've read that lots of people who are accepted turn down their offer, so there's still a good chance I can get in.

Here comes the "but."

But I've read online that, since the two prestigious schools I've mentioned are so close to each other, people can't help but compare them. And what I've read hasn't exactly boded well. From what I read, my wait listed school (henceforth known as school A) is ever so slightly higher in national and international standing, but the atmosphere is very intellectual. The majority of people study hard and rarely do anything else, and the small small minority join frats and get drunk every weekend.

Contrast this with a university (henceforth known as school B) with a campus that isn't as beautiful, but has much more school spirit and is a little more social-oriented, while still being regarded as a highly academic school. Its student population is more diverse, as in there are lots more people who are really smart but still like to let loose often - more often than school A, anyways.

Now, if I were an introverted girl who cared deeply about my grades and disliked hanging out with other people, then school A would be my absolute dream school. No parties, just loads of time to study for what really matters. But while I do care about my grades, I don't care about them to the extent that people at school A do. I really like to be with other people, and not just one type of person either. I've tried to identify myself with a clique at my high school, but couldn't. I'm not a nerd, because I dislike studying and I don't have straight A's. Not musical, because I can't march around with a piano for band and I'm too shy to sing in front of virtual strangers. Not a jock - never participated in any school sports. Or attended any, for that matter. Not a prep/cheerleader - I don't have enough money to waste on looking good. Not an Azn - I'm not really into the whole kawaii/peace sign/sqee-ing all the time thing I notice they do. Plus, a lot of my friends aren't even Asian. I have many wonderful friends, but I don't belong in any category.

Which university would be better for me, according to this? The one with a uniform student population, or the one with more personality diversity? The one that centers on studies, or the one that allows for more fun too?

I hope you now understand my problem. I've applied and hopefully will get into an acclaimed university, but only NOW do I realize it was the wrong acclaimed university all along. When it's TOO LATE. All because of some guy.

Salt in the wound: These two universities are only 40 minutes away from each other. SO CLOSE, and yet so far away.

Sorry for all the self-pity going on here, but I need to rant and as I never told my parents about this most awkward time of my high school experience, I want to get it out somehow. And that somehow is to make lists.

Lots of them.

Pros of School A:

• Huge achievement if I do get in.
•  Known for graduating classes that go on to be very successful.
• Located on a lovely campus.
• Has four houses (like Hogwarts).

Con of School A:

• Has the wrong social atmosphere.
• Basically has no Greek life.
• Located near a "ghetto" neighborhood.
• Too focused on academics.

Pros of School B:

• Still a pretty good achievement if I am able to transfer (I've heard it's easier to transfer into colleges than get accepted from high school).
• Has a lovely campus.
• Better social atmosphere (more Greek life).
• Known for graduating classes that go on to be very successful.

Cons of School B:

• Difficult to get into.
• Not as academically acclaimed as school A.
• Freezing weather.
• Might see The Guy wandering around.

Call me immature, but that last con is actually a pretty big deal to me.

This post has been two days in two days in the making, and I've calmed down considerably since then. I've done some more research, and while I'm still angry at myself for not considering school B, I've accepted my mistake and am looking into other options, like transferring. Of course, this all depends on me getting into school A in the first place. I don't think I'd want to transfer from a lesser college, because then I'd feel that I don't deserve it.

Yes, I also realize what an ungrateful lout I'm being. Here I am, being considered for a really good university, and all I'm doing is griping about how I want to go somewhere else. Humor me.

I've also done more research on waitlisting, and I've realized that I may not even need to worry about going to school A or B. After reading this article, I realize I may not even get off the list. The chances of getting completely rejected mid-May are so high I don't really want to think about it. I still really want to go to that university, since I've already come so far, but I'll definitely schedule a meeting with my college counselor before deciding on what, exactly, I can do to let school A know I'm still interested. If you, reader, have had any experience with this sort of thing, I would welcome any advice.

I've dug around a bit more and found this thread, which basically is school A telling waitlisted students what they can do to help boost their status a little bit. I'm still worried, but having a plan helps.

College is not turning out the way I'd hoped. C'est la vie.