Cookie Jar (feat. The-Dream), by Gym Class Heroes:
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The end of my first semester at college is fast approaching. Finals week begins tomorrow.
(I find it odd that new subjects are introduced, last minute, right before the finals are give. In Biology, we started evolution and natural selection on Friday, which meant only one lecture on the entire subject before finals. Very odd system.)
I have been asked by a multitude of people whether I think I have changed at college. As I understand it, it is the norm for freshmen to experiment and change themselves in a strange environment with people who didn't know the old them.
I like to make myself see things from other people's perspectives quite often, and I don't find it difficult to approximate my old friends' and family's reactions to the "college me." I'd imagine they'd be surprised, most obviously because I dress a little bit differently and openly listen to music they didn't know I liked.
Me, Exhibit A: In high school, I had long brown hair, side bangs, and wore contacts. Extremely minimal make-up (I have been asked, face-to-face, while wearing eyeliner or foundation or whatever, if I wear makeup) and no fancy hair styles - not even a ponytail. I consistently wore T-shirts, usually with no prints, in winter or summer, either with hoodies or sweatshirts. Color palate - white, blue, black, gray, some red and yellow. Skinny jeans all the time, or jean shorts. Thin belts. Worn out Converse sneakers only, all the time.
Me, Exhibit B: In college, I still have long hair, but the bottom half has been bleached and dyed purple (at least it was purple; now it's washed out to a blondish salmon-pink). Still minimal makeup. I own more long-sleeved knitted sweaters and actually wear them a lot, in addition to my T-shirts and sweatshirts. I noticed I tend to gravitate towards black now; I haven't bought any new shirts (except for the one concert merch), but I wear my black shirts from high school a lot more than I used to. Still wear skinny jeans, only dark gray or blue hues still. Thin belts. I have knee-high riding boots, Fuggs, ankle and combat boots - all of which I wear nearly as often as I do my sneakers.
In addition to all this, I own three beanies (I used to never wear hats of any sort), boot cuffs and mid-calf socks, a puffy canvas army green jacket, and a pea coat. I wear all of this pretty often, weather dependent. I also have new, thicker-framed glasses; my old ones were the nearly invisible Nike brand.
But here's the thing: I don't think I've changed at all. Despite the huge obvious differences between the two exhibits, I believe my basic personality and tastes are exactly the same.
Here's how: Everything that I've done differently in college, is the stuff I've always wanted to do in high school. I've always wanted to dye my hair an unnatural color. I thought punk rock kids had a badass sense of style, and wanted to wear black motorcycle jackets and shorts with sheer tights and lace up boots. I also liked the more popular fashion trends - I liked riding boots and boot cuffs and pea coats and flowy print tops with layered necklaces. Lacy tanks? Hell yeah. Knitted cardigans? Bring 'em to me. Graphic tees? I want them all. I adored slouchy beanies and acid-washed/ripped jeans, and off-the-shoulder sweaters. I wanted to wear and express all these things, during all four years.
The only problem with all that is that I had (and still have) really bad social anxiety. I had a dependable (and very boring) sense of style since the end of middle school that people had come to expect of me, and I was reluctant to change it because people would notice. And since I abhor the spotlight, I avoided any drastic style variations to keep people who've known my "style" nearly my whole life from singling me out.
For example, in the beginning of sophomore year, I got my first pair of Fuggs (technically, these are Bearpaws, but Fuggs is more recognizable). They were dark gray, of course (keeping with my color palate - I wasn't going to change more than one thing at once). I wore them to school about two weeks after I got them (I was that reluctant), and no less than seven people commented on them (and that was the approximate number of friends I had at the time). I vividly remember walking into my English class, and a close friend (at the time) who sat behind me said, "Wow, you're wearing boots! You never wear boots."
I wore them a week later, and then never again touched them until college.
Here at college, no one I knew personally came with me. I had zero friends starting out, and therefore zero people who knew what I was like. Therefore, I started wearing my riding boots and got cuffs to go with them. I bought a tank that says "Cool Story, Bro," and it's the first shirt I've had in my teen years that has words on it. I have maybe five knitted sweaters - which is five more than I owned in high school, and one long-sleeved shirt - which is also one more than I owned in high school. I finally got my combat boots - complete with badass buckles and laces - with long black and white aztec print socks to go with them. Everything I ever wanted to express in high school, but was too afraid to do because I didn't want to get called out on it, I'm able to do now.
Probably the best part is dying my hair. It's awesome. I know I'm not going with a trend either, because both hairstylists at the salon (I got my hair bleached for me, it's the one part I was uncertain doing myself) asked me if a lot of girls at my college have dyed hair (they don't). And I see why they would think that, because almost as soon as I go to college I ask to change my hair. It's not because it's a new fad, it's just something I've wanted to do for a very, very long time. But once again, blue or purple hair would have definitely attracted attention in my mostly preppy high school, and I wanted to avoid that at all costs.
(Don't get me wrong, I still don't like attention. I highly enjoyed going to my sociology recitations, but I never said a single word in discussions because I'm too shy. I'll debate and defend my point of view all day in my head, but I don't want to face other strangers.)
My clothing sense isn't the only suppressed thing I've stopped fighting. I'm pretty open about my music tastes too. I was highly embarrassed about liking more hardcore/screamo music that people like to associate with metal headbangers, and didn't tell anyone about liking bands like Pierce the Veil or Hands Like Houses for many years until the end of my senior year, when I found a person who told me first that he listened to that kind of music too. I always told people, when asked what artists I liked, Owl City (which isn't a lie either, I have all his albums). Even though he became kind of lame as I grew older, I still said it because it was better than being judged for the even more unpopular (in that environment) hardcore rock. I also started getting into EDM during the beginning of my senior year, but since I got the vibe that raves had a negative connotation and wasn't "real" music, I didn't tell anyone about it either. There's no point in sharing favorite music genres if people are going to look down on you for it.
But in college, it's basically a blank slate for me to express the image I've always wanted all along. The only thing I think that wasn't either me in high school or what I wanted to be in high school is my confidence. It should be pretty well known that it's not helpful for socially anxious people to be forced into situations that make them more anxious - don't do that whole "face your fears" schtick, it adds even more pressure. But since I'm starting small, it's easier on me. I know I have to go shopping for food and stuff and face the cash register myself, and I know there's no way around it, so I just do it without overthinking it for once. I know that a tour guide isn't going to show me around campus, so I figure out my schedule route myself. At the beginning of the semester, if I saw someone I thought wasn't out of my friend league sitting by themselves waiting for the next class, I'd go say hi. Baby steps. It's given me a little more confidence and independence.
But that's not the elephant in the room. All the things people think I've changed - my hair, my clothes - it's still the same me from high school. I've just finally stopped repressing doing the things I wanted to do out of fear that people would think differently of me. And it's great. It's so much easier shopping, and seeing something I like, and actually getting it for once instead of passing it by because it's too different than the usual.
For once, I'm both comfortable and happy in my skin. For once, I can't wait to see people's reactions to my "changes" when I get home for Christmas.
#dyehappy
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